I fear for my life! SECURITY!!!!

Yes, I fear for my life. And why shouldn't I? I am Prime Minister Narendra Modi's wife, albeit estranged one. A wife is a wife till death _ or divorce _ do you part!
So we got married when he was only 18. That we didn't cohabit is common knowledge now. As to why we didn't ever cohabit...well...it happened waaaaaaaaay back in 1968 so I don't really remember now. Maybe it was my cooking. Maybe it was the way I made tea. Ok! Bad joke.

Jashodaben with her RTI petition

So yes, I fear for my life. I will not deny that I have been given 24-hr protection by FIVE commandos. But do you know how scary those burly men are? The way they follow me around, I am  mortally afraid...and why not? Even Indira Gandhi was killed by her own security men. Of course, I cannot, for the life of me, draw parallels between the two of us, she being a Prime Minister and me being, me, but like they say : kehne mein kya jaata hai.
So I was thinking, can't I be given 5 bens, and not Bhais, for security? They would be with me, all the time. It would be easier for me, we would be able to bond over khakhra.
What is funny though, is how I take a bus but my securitymen take a government vehicle while they follow me around. Why can't they take the bus with me or, better still, let me accompany them in the car?
Honestly, I do know all that I am entitled to, as Modi's wife. If only he hadn't walked out 45-odd yrs ago, I would've been sharing that house of his in Delhi. In fact, I have already given juicy sound bytes to media, claiming I will rush back to him as soon as Modi calls me. Now if only he would take the hint! Now I remember, that was a problem between us. Modi is a straight-talker while I beat about the bush.
Do you know what else I am entitled to? I can make 30-odd single air journeys with him (if only he would take me with him) and 8 journeys on my own. I can also get a railways pass made but where will I go, all by myself? Anyway, I live with my brother.
You know I've been a teacher all my life. But now I am retired and have all the time in the world. That's why I thought of teaching Modi a few lessons for a change.  Now if only he would call me to Delhi. I could use my railway pass __or even airline ticket __ for once!

 

...But I won't do that

Lead actors of Jamai Raja: The ludo-players

I have repeatedly been told by my friends that I shouldn't use my brains while watching TV soaps. But I cannot help myself. And once I have really paid attention, something definitely sticks. Yesterday, I was watching one such show that is my constant companion during breakfast.
So the lead actors are married but the marriage hasn't yet been consummated. Now it shouldn't be anybody's business but like a cousin on the show pointed out, "What do you do then? Play ludo?"
None of our business really, as to what a couple does within the four walls of their bedroom. But as far as TV shows or movies go, where does one draw the line? You show a couple courting, getting married. And then what? Do you show them getting intimate. Or do you show them "waiting for the right moment" like in this show I am talking about? Personally, I feel if their marriage isn't what the show/movie is about, we should forget about bedroom scenes, we can let the viewers draw their own conclusions.
I remember when I was a kid, movies wouldn't show even a kiss happening so we would be forced into a garden where the couple would go behind a tree and the branches would shake. Or there would be a bee sitting on a flower.
As I reached my teens, we had become more liberal. So there were these very awkward moments when, say, a Dimple Kapadia would squirm underneath a very hairy Anil Kapoor on screen while our parents didn't know which way to look and we wondered what exactly happened on such shoots _ did they go all the way or were they just acting and stopped the moment the director yelled "CUT!"
Anyway, so this show I was watching. It had another gem coming. The woman tells her husband: "You aren't like most men who would marry just to get physical(!) But you, you love me lots."
I have an issue with that. Would most men risk marriage just so they could get physical? In fact, I think it's the other way round, isn't it? Men would rather get physical than get stuck in marriage. Also, isn't getting intimate just another way of showing your love?
Maybe life's come a full circle and as I reach my 40s, I will have to watch bees pollinating flowers all over again! After all, the man who really loves his wife "won't do that" till the "right moment."

...And did I mention my caesareans?

Arpita Khan

 

 

Today, I will talk about my kids. They’re my joy, my lifelines, my pride and basically, two of the reasons I am. But did I tell you that one came soon after the other, so to speak, since they are 11 months apart?
So my son, he’s going to be 10 soon. He is thin and already reaches up to my ear. O! I had to undergo an emergency caesarean to have him. 14 stitches and 2 bottles of a stranger’s blood (God bless him!) Anyway, so my son is quite witty. He loves being challenged. That stems from the 10-odd hours he had to struggle inside my womb when the umbilical cord was choking him, I think.
My daughter, she also cost me 14 stitches but no blood transfusion this time. She is very creative; she loves to paint, is an excellent mime and keeps me in splits though I got stitched up very well both the times, thank you very much.
Now does it jar, the way I am talking about my kids? That I keep flashing back to how I got them? That their being what they are isn’t as important as it is how I had them, even after so many years? What would bother readers is how my kids don’t seem to mean to me as much as what I went through for them does. How come, then, nobody finds it weird when people talk about a girl’s wedding and keep mentioning how she was adopted? What is the connection, even if the girl in question is Salman Khan’s sister Arpita?
On social media, every other person has taken it upon himself to advocate Salman’s heart of gold (a la-aap toh purush hi nahin hain, aap toh maha purush hain!) But if he is such a good person, who I am sure he must be, would he have picked up this orphan off the streets just so he could earn brownie points from the masses? I don’t think I have ever come across Salman talking about this grandiose gesture of his anywhere. So who are we to talk about it?
Come to think of it, we don’t even talk about our pets like that. “You know my dog won this competition. Did I tell you how I got him?” And we are talking about a human being like that. This young woman is a family member for them. She means something to each one of them. So we should just look at the wedding photos doing the rounds now, and feel good vicariously. And why should every action of a public figure reflect on his qualities as a human being? So Salman buys her a 3BHK apartment or a Rolls Royce (or is it a Range Rover). Big deal!! My brother also got me whatever he could, for my wedding. So why are we talking about Salman’s gifts and the fact that Arpita was adopted in the same breath?
  Seriously! The world is inhabited by people who are more faaltu than I could ever be.

My song and dance over songs

Over the years, if there’s anything that’s kept me going – apart from books and TV – it is music. In fact, there are some groups that can cheer me up anytime. There is one U2 album that has helped me through quite a rough patch in life. But I digress. I was thinking how there are some songs that you grow up with or others that so grow on you that you may not even note what they might mean. So I racked my brains and came up with this list of songs that I have been fond of, or are current favourites, and how they, inadvertently, show men for what they are:

1.       Where the streets have no names: U2: Sure, it’s a lovely thought to break down walls and find a place like that. But have you wondered how, being an all-men band, will you EVER get anywhere without seeking directions, which you won’t. And streets having no names wouldn’t make it any easier for your GPS either, would it? For that matter, there’s another U2 song: I still haven’t found what I’m looking for…that’s because you want everything at eye-level. You won’t look in the bottom shelves.

2.       Lemon Tree: Fools’ Garden: While the women in your life are worrying themselves sick as to what is eating you from inside, as evident from your worried look, all you are thinking of is a lemon tree. Really?

3.       Blame it on the Night: Calvin Harris: Of course, men are never at fault. How can we blame you or your ilk? We will blame it on the night, the moon, the stars, whoever you say.

4.       Can we dance: The Vamps: I know I don’t know you but I’d like to skip the small talk and romance, girl…that’s all I have to say so baby can we dance? Yes. They’ve said it. Which man sees a woman for the first time and starts thinking long term? They want to dance with someone; not knowing them at all is just a minor glitch.

5.       Everybody wants to steal my girl: 1D: These 21^st century poster boys are singing their guts out, unwittingly declaring they’re as insecure as the cave man. Stop singing your stupid song and spend some time with said girl(s). You will feel way better!

6.       I’ll be watching you: Sting: Sounds so voyeuristic. Every breath you take, every move you make, I’ll be watching you. A stalker song. Period.

7.       Two steps behind: Def Leppard: Sting was fine with keeping an eye on his girl but Def Leppard would be following her around! “It only takes a minute of your precious time, to turn around; I’ll be two steps behind”. A pet dog would look better doing so. Not a guy. But who’s to argue with Def Leppard. They sing this stalker song so beautifully that we have lapped it up for eons now.

8.       Don’t you cry: Guns ’n Roses: I think it’s a lovely breakup song. “It’s not you, it’s me” kind of a breakup song. “I’ll still be thinking of you and the times we haaaaad babyyyy”…again, you are leaving her. Just leave, don’t make it worse by twisting the knife with your words. But with Axl Rose swaying as he sings this, who needs logic?

9.       Colourblind: Darius: This one song-wonder…aaah…the singer was quite dishy. That is all I will commit myself to. The song goes on about he is ‘blinded’ with love and etc. But didn’t we know men are more likely to be colourblind than women. So, big deal!!

10.   I want you: Savage Garden: This Australian duo took the world by storm with their debut album. But look at the lyrics: “ooo I want you, I don’t know if I need you, but, ooo, I’d die to find out”…And how will they find out? They’re plain commitment-phobes, like most men.

 

Now you see them, now you don't!

Has anyone, except me, had the time or inclination to notice how some families unleash their entire brood upon us, all at the same time? How does that happen? Do these folks wake up one fine day to notice all their kids are old enough to step out in the big, bad world on their own? Like my dad who thought, for a good 5-yrs or so, that I was 24? Or do they think their kids are so good that no matter where we turn our heads, we ought to see at least one of them? Or is it sibling rivalry that makes the kids attempt same things at the same time?

Whatever it is, I cannot start with anyone but Malaika Arora-Khan. So there was Malaika, giving these steamy shots with her then boyfriend Arbaaz for a coffee ad. And the next thing we know, she is shaking more than a leg with SRK atop the toy train in Dil Se. While we are trying to figure her out, her kid sister Amrita crawls out of her crib. She is nothing like Malaika, has a baby face and her only claim to fame is that she is Kareena’s best friend. Obviously, she hangs around till she found an NRI and made herself scarce.

My contemporaries will remember how there was one ‘cute Tanya’ (now known as T-Series’ Kishan Kumar’s wife) who debuted way back in 1993. She couldn’t do much, after all, she was another gum-chewing, talking-in-half-sentences-teenager. Then she cut an album (with T-Series of course!) and eventually married Kishan Kumar. Last I heard she was launching ‘Teso’, “country’s ultimate party destination” in Goa.

Around the time Tanya debuted, her sister Natasha was on TV with Dekh Bhai Dekh, a daily sitcom. She was noticed in other shows like Saat Phere and Milan, but was reported to be breaking into Bollywood in 2010 with Mission 11^th July. I have no idea what happened to the movie or to her for that matter.

AND, if these two long-haired girls weren’t enough, their parents, small-time music composer Ajit and numerologist Gitanjali, set another daughter, Sanyukta free, telling her “jaa, jee le apni zindagi”. So Sanyukta also debuted in 1993 with Salaami opposite Ayub Khan. But where is she now? I am not complaining, just curious.

Then there were the Reddy sisters? Meghana was a VJ, did ads. And then came along Sushma who was seen in more than a 100 TV ads. She made her Bollywood debut with Chocolate. Around the same time, there was a Pankaj Udhas video with the quintessential long-haired, bangled desi rani beti with a white man, the two of them enacting Saki’s ‘The Gift of the Magi’. Before long, this one, Sameera, had shed her good girl garb and was making her Bollywood debut. While she may not have made her mark in Bollywood, she has done pretty well for herself down south.

Finally, I come to the Khan sisters. Looks wise, Nigaar and Gauhar are poles apart but they’re both spunky girls and have both done pretty decent work in the past few years.  I don’t or won’t comment on them much because they’ve both carved their own niches in the tinseltown. Gauhar has won TV shows, done cameos and even item numbers in movies. Nigaar, with the looks – and figure – of a vamp, has done a lot of TV and is a household name already.

 

I'll do anything...for a job

When I was young, and arrogant, there were so many things that I thought I wouldn’t be caught dead doing. But as age and maturity caught up with me, I married a rich man and motherhood forced me within the confines of my house, I realised there are a lot of things I would do, just to keep myself occupied, to tell myself that I am gainfully employed and also because they wouldn’t require any sort of special training or expertise in a specific field. Following is my list:

1.       Being part of crowd in a Bollywood movie: Yes! If you have seen Andaaz Apna Apna, you would know what Salman’s granddad did for a living. The humour may be lost in translation but let me try: “He went to Mumbai to become a hero but ended up being an extra. You can still see him standing in a crowd.” That, my friends, would be my dream role. Having been fed on a staple diet of TV shows and crappy movies, I KNOW how to do it. In fact, I think I was born to do this, more so, because even as a kid I would rather mingle in the crowd, be the wallflower, than stand out. So while the hero and heroine are talking it out, I would, wearing a salwar suit, walk once behind them with my dupatta draped around my shoulders. Two seconds later, I would drape the dupatta differently and walk past them again. And so on…now how much effort does that require, you would think, eh? Actually, it requires real talent to be able to walk behind, ahead of, and near the main actors in the same costume and look different each time.

2.       Being part of an orchestra as the triangle-player: If you have watched any of the music shows, you would’ve seen there is one person taking his job most seriously. While the drummer is head-banging, the guitarist and the pianist are smiling away; the one with the triangle is focusing the most. He is concentrating as to the exact moment when he has to go: TIIIING! I want to be that person. Doing the toughest job there is on the entire orchestra. You could replace the triangle with maracas, but I would be your girl!

3.       Selling movie tickets:  OK, I thought of this one because more than anything, I am hoping against hope that I might get some discount on movie tickets as part of my remuneration. But really, when most of the work is done by computers, how about sitting at a desk, smiling at people (but that’s optional, they’re here for tickets, not for your smile), asking them how many tickets, turning the monitor towards them to choose where they want to sit, going tap-tap on the keyboard. Then, taking the money and “NEEEXT”. Now if you think why I am not talking about the girls at Spars or Woolworths or Big Bazaars, you think I didn’t do my homework, right? Have you seen how they have to scan every damn thing we buy and keep adding it? Isn’t that hard work?

4.       Being part of the chorus in Hindi TV serials: Ever seen a Hindi serial? There is a set piece that’s played when a particular character is on screen. When it’s one of the lead actors, you could have an entire chorus going: “Aaaaaaaa…” albeit melodiously! If something happy is happening, there could be a taraana being played. If it is a moment-of-truth or you-killed-my-mom-I-will-kill-yours scene, there could be gayatri mantra or hanuman chalisa playing in the background. Long story short, they constantly need decent voices doing that bit. I have more than a decent voice. And being part of a chorus makes it so much easier.

5.       At a Chinese discount shop: They are here too, in SA. And in such huge numbers that they’ve built two entire markets by themselves, in Joburg only. Being married to a shopaholic has its plusses if you ask me. So while my other half covers every square cm of every store, I have the luxury of watching the saleswomen at such stores. The big boss is always a Chinese person but they have lots of local people to help out. As it is, shoppers are on their own while trying to bargain because the local ‘black’ person speaks English and cannot pretend she cannot help you. So she takes your plea to the boss who has the final word but you don’t know what it is because it’s in Chinese. So as a ‘brown’ go-to-girl, I can convincingly say: “Me know no englis” and the shoppers won’t walk out feeling betrayed.

6.       Lastly, security at my kids’ school: Like I love to say, I am a soccer mum without the SUV. And the number of trips I take to and from their school isn’t funny anymore. That black trouser-white shirt uniform, complete with a hat, a walkie-talkie and a taser!!! In my kids’ lingo: “I could rock it!”

It wasn't me

written on Nov 4/5

Looking at South African President Jacob Zuma’s shenanigans over the years, I am reminded of Shaggy’s song “It wasn’t me”. In fact, it starts to play in my head the minute I hear anything on Zuma. Because I know that’s what he will say.

While Shaggy could teach a younger guy how to fool his girl into believing he wasn’t cheating on her, how does Zuma go about telling an ENTIRE nation that the humungous property he has got ‘upgraded’ over the past 5 years, costing the public money to the tune of R 240 million, wasn’t his doing?

This isn’t the first time Zuma finds himself in a spot. Way back in 2009, he was dropped as the deputy President following rape charges. Soon enough, the charges were dropped and he bounced back as the President, no less. It wasn’t him, like I told you.

When the story of home-expansion was first broken by Mail & Guardian, the total cost was pegged at R65 m. By 2012, Democratic Alliance’s Helen Zille was stomping her way to Nkandla, to see “what a R250-million renovations with public money looks like", only to be prevented by a police line for, you got it, ‘security reasons’.

Following complaints, Public Protector Thuli Madensola investigated for over two years and concluded in March this year that Zuma’s family should bear some of the costs. But the ANC is cheekily insisting that “the President didn’t ask for the upgrades”. He didn’t ask so why should he pay?

Of course, we should’ve known that in a country where millions are homeless, some Good Samaritan woke up one fine morning and took it upon himself to revamp the presidential property as his good deed for the years to come.

Since we are assuming it was one of us who did it, let’s take a look at what the new ‘house’ comprises. Zuma’s Nkandla home is a sprawling property dotted with living quarters here, a pool there, a military hospital in another spot, a helipad and so on. I concur with the government that the revamp was done for security reasons. In fact, I will go a step further in adding that it was deliberately spread out over so many hectares of land.

Don’t get me? Imagine yourself as a disgruntled voter. You are jobless, you have kids, you don’t even have a matric and your girlfriend has kicked you out because you drink and/or do drugs. Basically, you are an average (read poor) South African native. You want answers for why your life is the way it is. And who should know but the head of the state? So you head towards his home.

Somehow, by a miracle or two, you jump the omnipresent electric fencing, you evade the security and then, you are lost! There are so many buildings, spread over so much land, that you don’t know where to go. And before long, the security has caught up with you. That’s why Zuma’s house is built the way it is. So that intruders get lost in the labyrinth before they can wreak any kind of havoc.

Rumour also has it that the contractor is actually a pigkeeper. But South Africa believes in affirmative action so a pigkeeper can and does build a high-security, fit-for-the-president home.

Funnily, the Special Investigating Unit, mandated by Zuma, says the security measures are still inadequate!

So if underground bunkers and bullet-proof windows cannot protect Zuma, what will? Let’s give our Good Samaritan a few more years. By then, he would’ve thought of something. In him I trust!

 

written on Nov 2/3

“I’m a Barbie girl, in my Barbie world…Life in plastic, It’s fantastic…”

No, no, I am not singing that Venga boys’ song. There IS a Barbie girl out there. Ukrainian model Valeria Lukyanova could’ve passed off for a lifesize Barbie anywhere. She is 5’7”, weighs 42 kgs and her vital stats are: 34-18-34.

So I, as the representative of all those voyeurs out there, fixed an interview with this creation of man (with some initial help from God, of course). Following is what transpired at that hypothetical interview conducted on Skype:

Me: Hi Valeria!

Dmitry: Hi, Valeria is having her lunch, this is her husband here.

Me: So, should I try connecting later?

Dmitry: No, it won’t take her long. In fact, I will take our computer to where she is, she should be done any minute.

Me (a little uncomfortable now): No, really, don’t bother.

But Dmitry has ignored my pleas and soon enough, we catch a glimpse of Valeria on her balcony. She is staring at the sun and breathing hard.

Me (finding the sight of an obviously sick woman gasping for breath troubling): Is she going to jump out, where is her food, what’s going on!!

To which Valeria turns towards the webcam, gives me a plastic grin, and says: It’s alright. Common people like you panic. But I was taking my lunch here. I practise Breatharianism which means I take only light and air to survive. Must tell you, today the sun was extra hot here and this wind…oh…I couldn’t control myself and I binged! Now I will feel guilty and might have to puke afterwards to get it all out!

Me: oh...ok…Let’s start with our interview, shall we? Tell me, why did you want to look like Barbie, a doll?

Valeria: Don’t you think wanting to look like famous ‘people’ is passé? There is one person; I am another person, why should I want to look like him or her? Why shouldn’t I want to look like Barbie who every girl loves?

Me: But didn’t you have too much trouble trying to match your looks to hers?

Valeria: Not at all. To begin with, it’s all good genes. I will show you my mom’s pictures. She also looks all plastic, botoxed and thin. I got it from her. (She lifts up a picture from an album and shows it to me. I cannot help believing her because her mum does look like a senior citizen Barbie).

Me: So, let’s talk about your childhood.

Valeria: Don’t bother to find links between my Barbie fascination and my childhood. Mine was as normal as can be. My dad was a disc jockey, my mom worked in the military sector. I had a collection of dolls, like most girls that young.

Me: What about your education?

Valeria: I am not just a beautiful body. I have a degree in architecture. Somewhere along the way, I figured that before designing buildings, I wanted to design my own body because it houses my soul and I am very spiritual person.

Me: How did you go about ‘designing’ your body?

Valeria: A naturally slender woman like me doesn’t need to do much. I just needed silicone implants because you know how Barbie is…ahem…very well endowed…so…but otherwise, I just need coloured lenses and a bit of makeup and voila! There I was!

Me: Now that you are done with designing your own body, are you pursuing a career as an architect?

Valeria: No, no. I am an educator at the ‘School of Out-of-Body Travel’. It is an international school where we teach how to leave your physical body and travel in your spiritual body. In fact, had you enrolled as my student, you didn’t have to waste money on Internet. You could’ve come here, to Ukraine, in spirit and interviewed me.

Me: How has your family adjusted to your Barbie looks? Are they alright with it?

Valeria: What a question to ask! You spoke to my husband just now. Did he seem troubled at all? We don’t plan on having kids, we are so happy with each other! (To which, I didn’t have the heart to add that with a figure like that, she can probably not even bear children)

Me: I am curious. Tell me more about others close to you, apart from your parents and husband, who we have heard/seen already.

Valeria: I have a sister and a brother. They are happy for me. I also have a very dear friend who attends parties with me. You just have to see her picture to believe how pretty she is. (Again, a picture is lifted from the stack and shown to the webcam. I found a similar one on the Net. Take a look)

                                   Valeria (right) with her best friend.                           Courtesy: Viralscape

Isn’t she a doll? asks Valeria. In fact, the other day, she confided in me that she wants to be Ariel, you know the Disney mermaid? Now if only we could find a doctor who would help her grow a fish tail. She is so dedicated, she wraps a shawl around her legs and sits for hours on end, looking pretty and doing nothing else but that! Then, I have another friend…

---I interrupt Valeria as I feel the interview is getting out of hand…

Me: Ok, before I go, tell me, who’s that person in the background? I’ve inadvertently been watching him all this while. He isn’t moving a muscle. Who is he?

Valeria: Oh, that? That’s my other friend I was beginning to tell you about. He got inspired by me and wants to be called the Human wooden block. As a kid, I had my Barbies, he had his wooden blocks. He is practising for that.

With that, I realised I had just had enough. I said my bye byes and logged out before Valeria got too excited and showed me her toy box of a bedroom.

 

 

 Let's meet up, on the Net!

written on Nov 1:

In a world that’s always connected, there are still some people who seem to be fumbling in the dark, clueless as to what needs to be done, what’s expected of them. To make it easier for them, we dusted our Mahabharata and brought back to life the larger-than-life Pandavas. Here’s a conversation between a ‘party animal’ and the eldest Pandava, Yudhishthira, on how to get oneself noticed by the world while fulfilling one’s duties towards family, friends, society and even one’s nation:

So the Pandavas went out on a vacation and found none of them had thought of carrying water. Being the youngest, and hence the one most bullied, Sahadev set out in search of drinkable water in the wilderness. Sahadev didn’t return so Nakul went in search, of his lost brother and water. The same thing happened and it carried on till it was the oldest, and the wisest --and of course the one most prone to just talk and not move any other muscles except those facial—Yudhishthira who had to go look.

The Wise One came across an erstwhile party animal who told him how the rest of the socially deprived Pandavas couldn’t reveal to him the mantras to a successful social life in these modern times, so he had imprisoned them. It was upon their eldest to rescue them. Here’s how he went about doing the same. And they all lived happily ever after, on FB, twitter, watsapp and wechat:

Q1. I used to be the life of every party. However, once we all grew up and started working, there’s hardly any time for partying. So besides my colleagues and immediate family, no one even knows that I exist. What can I do?

A.   You can spent whatever spare time you have on social networking sites and keep making your presence felt by poking a distant cousin, a former boss’ son, your neighbour’s neighbour, basically, any random person.

Q2. So once I have established myself as a living, breathing, social person, how do I sustain that image?

A.   You can start your day by sending out good morning messages on watsapp or share a "thought of the day". While this may not turn you into an instant celebrity, you definitely stand a good chance of being a group administrator.

Q3. How can a person duly fulfil his social duties in these fast times?

A. That is not difficult at all. You can wish people on their birthdays, anniversaries. That isn’t tough, considering all these sites will remind you who is celebrating what occasion on a particular day.

Q4.What is the best way to fulfil our duties towards our parents?

A.   Sharing ready-to-use posters like ‘MOM is Great’ or ‘DAD RULES’ and singing praises will do the trick even if you are too busy to call up your parents regularly just to check on them and also to have them hear your voice.

B.   You can fool the public into believing you had a perfect childhood by sending out stuff like how ‘parents are erasers to the mistakes we make and we should respect them’ even if you had the most dysfunctional childhood and cannot see eye to eye with your folks.

Q5. How do you convince yourself and those around you that you are a good parent?

A.   You can start out by wishing your child on a social networking website even if he is too young to have an account there to access your message. Better still, you can share some anecdote pertaining to your child even if it happened on the rarest of rare occasions that you spent time with him.

Q6.What would your advice be to someone who has just got married?

A.   Going out on honeymoon is a given. However, the quainter your choice of destination, the better it would be. For then, you can spend all your time clicking pictures while your wife sends out minute-by-minute account of your trip to her friends on watsapp or wechat. The pictures can then be uploaded and will fetch you a record number of likes. After all, who wouldn’t want to be tagging along with you and your spouse on your honeymoon?

 

Q7. How does one go about bonding with one’s spouse?

A.   That’s a relevant question. You can wish your spouse on the FB a very happy wedding anniversary or birthday, as the case may be. Nobody will wonder why and how you cannot do so in the privacy of your home. In fact people will be happy that you wished your spouse in the first place. You can also put up pictures of the two of you holding hands or cosying up in public. Better still, you can update your status to: “Enjoying with my jaanu…” or keep it cryptic with: “Having fun” and your spouse can immediately comment with a “WITH ME!!!”

 

Q8. Do we have to stop being affectionate and lovey-dovey towards our spouse if he/she is dead and gone? Also, how about our parents?

A.   No, there is no way someone else’s death should come in the way of your presence in the virtual world. If someone close happens to pass over to the other side, you can quickly log onto your favourite networking site or app and share with all and sundry how your spouse/parent is gone and how lonely and ‘lost’ you are. Nobody will be wise or rude enough to comment how you weren’t lost enough to log on!

 

Q.9 What can a religious person do to keep connected to his spiritual side?

A. Every religion expects its followers to perform certain rites time and again. However, now it’s all available on the Net. You can perform virtual aartis. You can even attend poojas that your parents/family organised in your native home even without being there, thanks to Skype.

Also, the more devout can send out bulk messages containing Saibaba’s picture or that of a ten-headed snake and experience a miracle in next 10 days.

 

Q.10 Last, but not the least, how does one fulfil one’s duties towards one’s nation?

A. You can start out by sharing status message from the Prime Minister’s Office, no less. If you are an Indian, you can indulge in Pakistan-bashing and vice versa. You can also show your interest in the politics of the country by repeatedly sharing jokes on AAP or Rahul Gandhi.

Unsung Heroes

written on Oct 31

Today I want to talk about the unsung heroes of Bollywood. No, I don’t mean the clichéd, behind-the-scene technicians. I literally mean those who came to become heroes in amchi Bollywood industry, had everything going for them, an all-powerful dad, contacts, you name it, and yet couldn’t quite make it, hence, unsung.

But I will be their saviour. I will talk about them just because nobody else does. I will take up the cudgels on their behalf. So here goes my list of those who came, saw, but couldn’t quite conquer:

1.       Abhishek Bachchan: Before I start out, let me clarify that I am a DIEHARD Bachchan fan. The senior one, I mean. And I feel almost maternal for his offspring. Look at what AB Jr is stuck with and even you will feel the way I do. A dad with shoes almost impossible to fill and a wife way more accomplished than this guy, what is he to do? He started out with J.P. Dutta’s Refugee and we saw a lot of promise there. We have seen a few flashes in the pan like Yuva, Paa and even Bol Bachchan. A fixture of Dhoom series, AB Jr has been pitted against a bigger star with each subsequent Dhoom movie. The first one saw him against John Abraham (do-able). Then came Hrithik Roshan as the villain and AB Jr was treading on thin ice. He completely lost the plot when 2013 saw Aamir Khan as the villain. The pint-sized actor towered over AB Jr so much so that they could well have put a cardboard cutout against him and we would’ve been none the wiser.

2.       Tusshar Kapoor: The quintessential newcomer. His dad, Jeetendra, made a name for himself in Bollywood and down south as well. His sister, Ekta Kapoor, carved a niche for herself in the TV world as a producer. However, little Kapoor couldn’t do either. He started out with Mujhe Kuchh Kehna Hai…he should’ve taken that as a hint for things to come…his later movies, that did earn him a bit of fame, had him acting dumb (not the Bollywood heroine dumb, dumb as in mute)…where he ends up struggling to get his point across. We still haven’t got what he is trying to say/do in Bollywood. And this, despite sister dear trying her best to resurrect a career that never was (check out her Shootout movies).

3.       Uday Chopra: When your family business is one of Bollywood’s biggers production houses (Yashraj Films and even TV now), why don’t you take the trodden path, occupy the corner office and go about being a movie/TV show producer?  Who are you trying to convince that you are hero material when even decades after your debut (in home production Mohabbatein) audience isn’t convinced? In fact, whatever we saw of you, we got the feeling even you didn’t seem to know what you were doing (Mere Yaar ki Shaadi, Pyaar Impossible). Uday has most been liked as Abhishek Bachchan’s sidekick in the Dhoom series. But that’s just about it.

4.       Kishan Kumar: Ok, this guy is a little older than the rest of them, but what the heck!! Let me begin by saying that there’s nothing dashing about the “Dashing Kishan Kumar” as his debut movie posters projected him, obviously produced by brother and T-series honcho Gulshan Kumar. Starting way back in 1993 with Kasam Teri Kasam, KK has since dabbled in production, acted in regional movies but nothing has worked yet. Except his marriage to co-star ‘cute Tanya’ but more on her some other time. I cannot imagine this guy playing anything on the screen. He won’t look convincing enough even as a tree or a rock. And if they gave him a corpse’s role, I would want his face covered.

5.       Mimoh Chakraborty: Mithun Chakraborty and Yogeeta Bali’s son Mimoh could’ve been every girl’s poster boy. He has the height, skin and eye colour (both light) and the dance moves. But the acting gene gave him the miss. Ages ago, when he was born, daddy dearest named him after Michael Jackson and Mohammad Ali. Too ambitious, I must say. For this guy seemed to be sleep-walking through his debut movie. Where is he now? For our sake, I hope he is running daddy’s hotel business now.

6.       Harman Baweja: Harry Baweja’s son, also called the poor man’s Hrithik Roshan, is one of those rare cases where nothing works for you. This guy, he can go stand in a temple and ask God: Mere paas looks hain, physique hai, dance moves hain, acting thodi thodi hai, magar roles kahaan hain? At one point, his only claim to fame was an affair with Priyanka Chopra. Now, he’s Bipasha Basu’s arm candy.

7.       Adhyayan Suman: Already two movies old, he is Shekhar Suman’s son. At least daddy could talk about his debut movie against Rekha (Utsav), AS has nothing to say.  Again, he cannot be blamed. With a dad who’s had some elixir of youth, has grown 6-packs, is cutting music albums, what does that leave AS with? Funnily, even I don’t have much to say about him!

For the last three slots, I have men who I think deserve a few more chances before we give up on them:

8.       Jackky  Bhagnani: Producer Vashu Bhagnani’s son, JB can still be seen in an odd movie or two. His F.A.L.T.U and Youngistaan, didn’t go unnoticed. So let’s wait and watch.

9.       Tiger Shroff: One movie old, what is this person? I couldn’t sit through his Heropanti. He is too fair, his body is too chiselled and he dances too well. He would look better in print ads, methinks, fully clothed, mouth shut. Now if only he would pay heed.

10.   Girish Kumar: TIPS industries scion, GK starred in Ramaiyya Vastavaiya against Shruti Hassan. The only other thing worth mentioning about this guy, apart from his lineage, is that Taran Adarsh calls him ‘photogenic.’ Thank you so much for this observation but shouldn’t that be the least you can be if you want to make the cut on silver screen?

And if that was so, why didn’t anyone talk to Kishan Kumar?

AMMA WON'T STAY IN JAIL, OSCAR WON'T STAY OUT

Oct 29, 2014 How the mighty fall! When I say that I am not just marvelling at their respective falls, I am also wondering at the way they went about it. For instance, in a corruption-ridden country like India, our holier-than-thou Amma went (and promptly came out on bail from) behind bars over a disproportionate assets case. In distant South Africa, also known for the world’s highest crime rate, Oscar Pistorius is incarcerated for shooting and killing his girlfriend. Following are my takes on the two disparate, yet similar incidents. Sometime back, then TN CM J. Jayalalithaa was handed out a jail sentence in a corruption case dating back a decade or so. While it is refreshing to note that our judiciary hasn’t succumbed to Amma’s maternal charm yet, we cannot say the same about the common man. So when she languished in jail, what did Amma’s wards do? Outside the court, as soon as the sentence was handed out, there were hordes of people beating their chests and crying their guts out. While Amma-bashers smirked that professional mourners had been hired by the AIADMK, Amma has already promised a monetary relief (of Rs 3 lac each!) to the families of those who died of ‘shock’ over her sentencing. Before one wonders where the money will come from, let us explain. Obviously, Amma’s coffers must be empty, earning as she was just a rupee a month. However, sources tell us that her coterie has brainstormed and come up with a great revenue-earning idea. Her Poes Gardens’ home will be converted into a museum. On display will be her sari and shoe collections. In addition, her close confidante, Shashikala, will be holding workshops on socially relevant topics like ‘How to live like a Queen on a rupee a month’ and ‘How to make the most of your proximity to the CM’. The workshop is said to cost a fortune but we can confirm that it will all go towards a good cause. All the proceeds, from the museum, the workshops, will also be utilized for legal expenses in the innumerable cases against Amma and her adopted family. Right now, she is out on bail, so she can attend to her other court cases. In a life that’s “dedicated to the welfare of the people”, Amma claims to have been “swimming in a sea of inferno”. But we needn’t fret, as she points out, because ‘divine intervention’ will see her through this ordeal as well. Which makes us wonder, if Gods themselves are helping her out, why are her followers worrying themselves sick? Or when it comes to Amma, they cannot trust Gods either?

Part II of Amma...

JOHANNESBURG: So Oscar Pistorius, the much revered Paralympian, is handed out a 5-yr sentence for culpable homicide. He shot and killed his then girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp last year, ‘mistaking her for an intruder’. The whole story, as it unfolded, provided our ace athlete enough opportunities to show us his other talent as well. With all his histrionics on display, Oscar could try his hand at acting. In fact, I see a bright future for him as a reality show star. Don’t believe me? Let’s recap the events, as recounted a million times already on TV, of that ‘fateful night’. So Oscar wakes up to the sound of what he believes is an intruder in the loo(!) So he doesn’t want a petty burglar using his fancy washroom, panics, doesn’t turn on his side to check if Reeva is still in bed but just picks up his gun, drags himself to the loo door and shoots blindly. Then it dawns on him that the person could be Reeva. However, the girl is as good as gone. Neighbours are reported to have heard a woman screaming that evening. It could either have been the couple fighting and Reeva locking herself in the loo, fearing for her life. Or she had already been shot so she was crying out in agony. But no, if we are to believe Oscar’s lawyer, it was the athlete himself crying aloud. For the love of God, why couldn’t someone in the court give Oscar a good, hard pinch on his arm and hear him squeal. Just to check! The courtroom drama that ensued could put any scriptwriter to shame. Oscar hollered, he retched in a bucket, he couldn’t hear the graphic description of Reeva’s bullet-riddled body or even look at its pictures. No wonder we have associated ‘Oscar’ with fine acting all these years. Funnily, the very disability that Oscar spent all of his life overcoming and even overlooking came to be discussed threadbare. I am not sure how this man sat through innumerable hearings while lawyers, psychiatrists, psychologists and what have you argued over his disability and how it can impact a person’s psyche. I am also not sure how this man allowed his defense team to use his ‘disability’ as his fig leaf. After all, his mum raised him believing that he was not disabled. So how could he, to save his skin, then turn around and say he panicked when he shouldn’t have as he was disabled? Isn’t it like my saying I am a level-headed person because my mom told me so. But I can beat my husband black and blue because actually –and I will have experts vouch for it – I am a dormant volcano. The story turned even more bizarre when we learnt Reeva’s parents were getting a few thousand rands per month from this same man who ended up killing their only child. And now they are saying they will return all that money. So why did they take it in the first place? But I shouldn’t be seeking answers, having grown on thoroughly illogical Bollywood movies. Cutting this story short, Oscar got 5 years. But like we all know, time flies. More so when part of your sentence will see you in house arrest. I am so looking forward to watching this good looking man on TV shows. Especially on dance shows where Oscar’s dance moves -- despite his disability -- will help him earn good TRPs for the producers. I am popping the corn already!