When I was young, and arrogant, there were so many things that I thought
I wouldn’t be caught dead doing. But as age and maturity caught up with me, I
married a rich man and motherhood forced me within the confines of my house, I
realised there are a lot of things I would do, just to keep myself occupied, to
tell myself that I am gainfully employed and also because they wouldn’t require
any sort of special training or expertise in a specific field. Following is my
list:
1.
Being part of crowd in a Bollywood
movie: Yes! If you
have seen Andaaz Apna Apna, you would
know what Salman’s granddad did for a living. The humour may be lost in
translation but let me try: “He went to Mumbai to become a hero but ended up
being an extra. You can still see him standing in a crowd.” That, my friends,
would be my dream role. Having been fed on a staple diet of TV shows and crappy
movies, I KNOW how to do it. In fact, I think I was born to do this, more so,
because even as a kid I would rather mingle in the crowd, be the wallflower, than
stand out. So while the hero and heroine are talking it out, I would, wearing a
salwar suit, walk once behind them with my dupatta draped around my shoulders.
Two seconds later, I would drape the dupatta differently and walk past them
again. And so on…now how much effort does that require, you would think, eh?
Actually, it requires real talent to be able to walk behind, ahead of, and near
the main actors in the same costume and look different each time.
2.
Being part of an orchestra as the
triangle-player: If
you have watched any of the music shows, you would’ve seen there is one person
taking his job most seriously. While the drummer is head-banging, the guitarist
and the pianist are smiling away; the one with the triangle is focusing the
most. He is concentrating as to the exact moment when he has to go: TIIIING! I
want to be that person. Doing the toughest job there is on the entire
orchestra. You could replace the triangle with maracas, but I would be your
girl!
3.
Selling movie tickets: OK, I thought of this one because more than
anything, I am hoping against hope that I might get some discount on movie
tickets as part of my remuneration. But really, when most of the work is done
by computers, how about sitting at a desk, smiling at people (but that’s
optional, they’re here for tickets, not for your smile), asking them how many
tickets, turning the monitor towards them to choose where they want to sit,
going tap-tap on the keyboard. Then, taking the money and “NEEEXT”. Now if you
think why I am not talking about the girls at Spars or Woolworths or Big
Bazaars, you think I didn’t do my homework, right? Have you seen how they have
to scan every damn thing we buy and keep adding it? Isn’t that hard work?
4.
Being part of the chorus in Hindi TV
serials: Ever seen a
Hindi serial? There is a set piece that’s played when a particular character is
on screen. When it’s one of the lead actors, you could have an entire chorus
going: “Aaaaaaaa…” albeit melodiously! If something happy is happening, there
could be a taraana being played. If
it is a moment-of-truth or you-killed-my-mom-I-will-kill-yours scene, there
could be gayatri mantra or hanuman chalisa playing in the
background. Long story short, they constantly need decent voices doing that
bit. I have more than a decent voice. And being part of a chorus makes it so
much easier.
5.
At a Chinese discount shop: They are here too, in SA. And in
such huge numbers that they’ve built two entire markets by themselves, in
Joburg only. Being married to a shopaholic has its plusses if you ask me. So
while my other half covers every square cm of every store, I have the luxury of
watching the saleswomen at such stores. The big boss is always a Chinese person
but they have lots of local people to help out. As it is, shoppers are on their
own while trying to bargain because the local ‘black’ person speaks English and
cannot pretend she cannot help you. So she takes your plea to the boss who has
the final word but you don’t know what it is because it’s in Chinese. So as a ‘brown’
go-to-girl, I can convincingly say: “Me know no englis” and the shoppers won’t
walk out feeling betrayed.
6.
Lastly, security at my kids’ school: Like I love to say, I am a soccer mum
without the SUV. And the number of trips I take to and from their school isn’t
funny anymore. That black trouser-white shirt uniform, complete with a hat, a
walkie-talkie and a taser!!! In my kids’ lingo: “I could rock it!”
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