written on Nov 2/3

“I’m a Barbie girl, in my Barbie world…Life in plastic, It’s fantastic…”

No, no, I am not singing that Venga boys’ song. There IS a Barbie girl out there. Ukrainian model Valeria Lukyanova could’ve passed off for a lifesize Barbie anywhere. She is 5’7”, weighs 42 kgs and her vital stats are: 34-18-34.

So I, as the representative of all those voyeurs out there, fixed an interview with this creation of man (with some initial help from God, of course). Following is what transpired at that hypothetical interview conducted on Skype:

Me: Hi Valeria!

Dmitry: Hi, Valeria is having her lunch, this is her husband here.

Me: So, should I try connecting later?

Dmitry: No, it won’t take her long. In fact, I will take our computer to where she is, she should be done any minute.

Me (a little uncomfortable now): No, really, don’t bother.

But Dmitry has ignored my pleas and soon enough, we catch a glimpse of Valeria on her balcony. She is staring at the sun and breathing hard.

Me (finding the sight of an obviously sick woman gasping for breath troubling): Is she going to jump out, where is her food, what’s going on!!

To which Valeria turns towards the webcam, gives me a plastic grin, and says: It’s alright. Common people like you panic. But I was taking my lunch here. I practise Breatharianism which means I take only light and air to survive. Must tell you, today the sun was extra hot here and this wind…oh…I couldn’t control myself and I binged! Now I will feel guilty and might have to puke afterwards to get it all out!

Me: oh...ok…Let’s start with our interview, shall we? Tell me, why did you want to look like Barbie, a doll?

Valeria: Don’t you think wanting to look like famous ‘people’ is passé? There is one person; I am another person, why should I want to look like him or her? Why shouldn’t I want to look like Barbie who every girl loves?

Me: But didn’t you have too much trouble trying to match your looks to hers?

Valeria: Not at all. To begin with, it’s all good genes. I will show you my mom’s pictures. She also looks all plastic, botoxed and thin. I got it from her. (She lifts up a picture from an album and shows it to me. I cannot help believing her because her mum does look like a senior citizen Barbie).

Me: So, let’s talk about your childhood.

Valeria: Don’t bother to find links between my Barbie fascination and my childhood. Mine was as normal as can be. My dad was a disc jockey, my mom worked in the military sector. I had a collection of dolls, like most girls that young.

Me: What about your education?

Valeria: I am not just a beautiful body. I have a degree in architecture. Somewhere along the way, I figured that before designing buildings, I wanted to design my own body because it houses my soul and I am very spiritual person.

Me: How did you go about ‘designing’ your body?

Valeria: A naturally slender woman like me doesn’t need to do much. I just needed silicone implants because you know how Barbie is…ahem…very well endowed…so…but otherwise, I just need coloured lenses and a bit of makeup and voila! There I was!

Me: Now that you are done with designing your own body, are you pursuing a career as an architect?

Valeria: No, no. I am an educator at the ‘School of Out-of-Body Travel’. It is an international school where we teach how to leave your physical body and travel in your spiritual body. In fact, had you enrolled as my student, you didn’t have to waste money on Internet. You could’ve come here, to Ukraine, in spirit and interviewed me.

Me: How has your family adjusted to your Barbie looks? Are they alright with it?

Valeria: What a question to ask! You spoke to my husband just now. Did he seem troubled at all? We don’t plan on having kids, we are so happy with each other! (To which, I didn’t have the heart to add that with a figure like that, she can probably not even bear children)

Me: I am curious. Tell me more about others close to you, apart from your parents and husband, who we have heard/seen already.

Valeria: I have a sister and a brother. They are happy for me. I also have a very dear friend who attends parties with me. You just have to see her picture to believe how pretty she is. (Again, a picture is lifted from the stack and shown to the webcam. I found a similar one on the Net. Take a look)

                                   Valeria (right) with her best friend.                           Courtesy: Viralscape

Isn’t she a doll? asks Valeria. In fact, the other day, she confided in me that she wants to be Ariel, you know the Disney mermaid? Now if only we could find a doctor who would help her grow a fish tail. She is so dedicated, she wraps a shawl around her legs and sits for hours on end, looking pretty and doing nothing else but that! Then, I have another friend…

---I interrupt Valeria as I feel the interview is getting out of hand…

Me: Ok, before I go, tell me, who’s that person in the background? I’ve inadvertently been watching him all this while. He isn’t moving a muscle. Who is he?

Valeria: Oh, that? That’s my other friend I was beginning to tell you about. He got inspired by me and wants to be called the Human wooden block. As a kid, I had my Barbies, he had his wooden blocks. He is practising for that.

With that, I realised I had just had enough. I said my bye byes and logged out before Valeria got too excited and showed me her toy box of a bedroom.